Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Set Fire to the Rain

Today was a rough day. I fought with one of my best friends  I guess we're ex-friends now. We fought over sex. Not between us, between him and his girlfriend. And though I understand that his sex life isn't exactly my business we were super close. He had been "pandering" his girlfriend for sex and he asked me if asking his girlfriend for sex (even after she told him she wasn't ready) was a bad thing. I don't know why but this made me really angry. I don't think it's fair to "pander" or "pressure" a girl about sex. If she doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't want to have sex.

Our culture has become so ridiculously centered on this idea of women as sex objects, there's almost no room for dissent. If you have sex at 16 you're a whore, if you're a virgin by 21 you're a prude. It seems that people have forgotten that some girls move at their own pace, something I feel should be respected. I know everyone says sex is a big deal, and it is for your first time. Society overlooks the emotional repercussions of sex. Some people are capable of having "casual" sex, but let's be honest. Being as humanly close to another human being is an intense experience, and intimate experience, and for most people those emotional repercussions just can't be turned off or toned down. In most cases sex is intimate. It is serious. And often in the first time, it is a well thought out and talked about decision.

Now, I'm not saying that sex for the first time can't be good sex, on the contrary the emotional connection can be one of the strongest of your life, but most of the time it's awkward, uncomfortable, painful, and the girl doesn't get true sexual satisfaction. It takes a woman 20 minutes to orgasm and only 20% of women can achieve orgasm by penetration alone. Men take quite less time to orgasm, and most young men hardly know what a clitoris is, let alone what to do. But it's the young women who don't tell them what they need, mostly because they (we) don't really know. I know this isn't something talked about very often but, women's orgasm/pleasure has become some sort of taboo. A man and his "right hand" are common cultural references and are not seen as taboo, but what about women? Don't we have a right to know what pleases us? Why must our discovery be shrouded in cultural taboo and shame? Why do covers of magazines give you "101 Ways to Please Him" instead of "101 Ways to Please Yourself"?

I'm taking a huge leap here but: isn't sex that is mutually satisfying lead to more satisfying sex overall? I mean I could be wrong, but when both parties achieve orgasm doesn't that make for better sex? Or am I off the deep end here?

I know this is an intimate topic, and most people don't share my stance or bluntness, but here's the deal gents (if any gents read this):

Most of the time she's faking it. Most of the time, you aren't.

Don't fake it. Because once you discover what gets you off your sexual partner will probably be realllly confused when you suddenly stop proclaiming his greatness after a 10 minute romp in the sheets.

And most of all:
Just because you're young doesn't mean you can't know what gets you off. Experiment and enjoy yourself. And just because "everyone's" having sex, doesn't mean you have to, and trust me...everyone is just as confused, scared, and emotionally unprepared as you. You aren't alone. Don't feel pressured by society to punch that V-Card because your first time should be a glorious experience not a 5 minute disappointment. Sex is complicated and scary and yet it can be amazing and special. Wait if you have sliver of a doubt. Wait if you think it's the wrong time. Wait if you think it's the wrong guy because down the road he'll be gone but that memory will be there forever. Set a high standard, put yourself first. Your body and how you feel matter.

Just some words of advice. Not the Bible or the word of God, but ideas.

Peace Out,

1 comment:

  1. Great blog!

    I have a few words of advice regarding people's first time.

    If you're going to do it, do it with someone you can laugh with, someone you can have fun with, someone who's your best friend as well as boyfriend/girlfriend. The idea is being completely comfortable. Talk it out. Spend time around each other naked before actually having sex. And again, make sure it's someone you can laugh with! You will make mistakes and you will do silly things, but go with it! It shouldn't be awful or embarrassing, it should be fun and beautiful and happy, and you should learn stuff. If you're a girl, yeah, you're probably not going to get off the first time. Or the second. Or for the next five years. But the experience should be wonderful, and you should still be able to experience pleasure even if you don't climax, that's super important. Just reveling in being in love with that person and sharing something so awesome, and having a comfortable time. There are other ways to experience satisfaction that isn't achieving an orgasm. Of course, I entirely understand that this could vary depending on the person.

    From personal experience, the serious ones are not very good lovers. They will take any problem and turn it into a defeat or failure. I'd generally avoid those ones for your first time and try tackling them later should the situation arise. ;)

    Errr...thanks for reading my ramble. It's useful stuff, I promise!