Solitude

My first blog post in a while. Sorry for the delay guys…Life gets kind of crazy/my writer’s block just sucks. 

You know breaking up is hard. It’s difficult losing that one person. Sometimes it’s a mutual thing, other times it comes as a complete surprise. Sometimes it is painless and quick, other times the loneliness and anger haunt you for a very long time, but what I’ve discovered is the worst is the moment when all of that anger and sorrow falls away and you have nothing left to take away from that experience. I have discovered that it is easier to hold on to that event as some sort of turning point in your life because it means you can look back whenever you want to without feeling guilty. I am writing this blog because I am finally naked in front of the mirror. The wounds have healed, the scars have faded, and now it’s just me.

I miss the anger sometimes. I miss being able to wrap myself up in this cocoon of rage and pain because it kept others at arms length. It meant I wouldn’t have to deal with people and I had an excuse to curl up in bed and cry. I miss being able to reflect on what happened and still have unanswered questions because answering those questions hurt. I miss the sorrow because at least I knew it was coming. I miss being consistently able to blame my problems, my anxiety, and my fear on one event. I used it to define me and as a social identifier. It was my façade.

Today it just fell apart. I don’t know whether it was the laughter with friends and the realization that my life was about to change or finding the shoebox I threw all of the memories into and not feeling anything, not even sorrow. And it made me cry. It made me cry to realize that this huge event, this painful, terrible, life-changing event had taught me all that it could and now there were new lessons to be learned. I guess it kind of goes along with this theme of change and motion and new things. My life as I know it is ending. I am graduated from high school, moving onto college. I am officially forfeiting my childhood and entering the transition to adulthood.

I guess my break up was the final thing to let go of. I had let go of everything but this one singular moment in time. It was an important moment in time, but now it is time to set it in the box of memories and lock the lid. It’s time to move onward. The past is what it is and all that I can take away from it is knowledge and the assurance that I can survive. I think that’s all anyone can take away from the past. And I think it’s all anyone can wish to gain in the future. Knowledge in the past, joy in the future, but in the present there is only hope; only the hope that tomorrow will be a new beginning and the knowledge that it can be anything we wish it to be.