Sunday, August 7, 2011

I Need This

It’s been way too long. I am so sorry. I don’t have an excuse really. Life just got crazy, writer’s block got bad. You know the drill. This will be a long one. 

I’m in a weird place right now and it’s making it very difficult to write, so excuse me if I ramble for a while. I just need to get the juices flowing, and I think tonight will be uncensored and more of a letter than an entry? I don’t know. We’ll see how it goes, right?


I need this space. Just like you need air.
I really need this time.

Basically my life in a nutshell right now. For a while I had one very distinct pull. It was a guy and I really enjoyed him. He made me smile, he understood my humor, and he was able to keep up with my political jargon. And then…one day he just stopped. He just stopped feeling for me I suppose, out of nowhere. For a while we tried to get along. We had good nights and bad ones; then just bad ones. Night after night was another talk about working it out or what was wrong. Last night we reached the end of our tug of war. We both just let go and let the rope fall to the ground. Nobody fell. We just let go of the only thing holding us together, and I suppose it was fine if not a bit sad. It was sad not missing him today, but I’m learning to trust my instincts. I can’t say what will happen in the future with him, but this encounter certainly taught me something. It seems that every romantic encounter I have teaches me more and more about what I want and what I definitely do not want.

I don’t want a guy who is hot and cold, even for a minute. Hot and cold violates trust. When you enter a relationship, or quasi-relationship with someone you expect them to feel for you. You trust them to tell you when it’s okay. You trust them to care for you consistently. The fluctuation of emotion day to day makes trusting that person very hard. Instead of enjoying their company, all you can think about is whether tonight he’ll stop saying I love you. Maybe tonight will be the night he tells me he isn’t feeling it? Maybe tonight is a good night or maybe he’s faking it? What once was a source of joy becomes a source of anxiety, and there’s no real going back from this point. Once that bond of trust is broken no relationship can really get back to where it was, simply because you don’t have a relationship anymore. You have an imbalance of power. He is now able to control how you feel about the relationship simply by giving affection or not. It’s extremely unhealthy and is not a good pattern to set your self in. I nearly fell back into that pattern. I’m hoping this will be a daily reminder to not make that mistake again.

In all honesty, I just want to be happy with myself. I have so much more to worry about right now, I can’t afford to waste any emotion on someone not willing to work with me or work for me or act like an adult. It’s funny…I’m sorry really doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t make me feel any better or make me recognize your remorse, if that even exists. It just makes me angry at myself that I’m still sitting here, talking to you, making the mistakes I’ve already made. I’m letting you know that I’m done. I’ve reached the end of my rope and it’s unfortunate, but if you’re hot and cold now…you always will be. That’s just the truth and I learned that lesson the hard way when I was 14. I’m an adult now and I’m not willing to make that mistake again for someone like you or anyone for that matter.

It sounds mean and uncompromising, but why should I compromise? Why should I settle? Why should I wait? There’s no point in waiting for “things to get better” in relationships, I’ve discovered. When times are really awful, more than likely they’re going to stay that way. We are far, far too young to spend any time unhappy or trying to put together a shattered piece of glass. You’ll just end up hurt, and in the exact same place you were when you first tried to put it back together.  

It’s pessimistic, but it’s true. Sometimes there is no happy ending and that’s okay. It just means there’s something bigger and better along the line. It just means we had something really important to learn, not only about relationships, but about ourselves.

Love you all. Thank you for reading. <3

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